The song “Stand by Your Man” used to make me sick. For a long time my father claimed that Tammy wrote it about a husband who beat her and that it was a true measure of love to sing about standing by your man as he beat you. That is horseshit. If a man is beating you, he clearly doesn’t love you and you get the hell out of there. Any man who would do that is clearly not worth it.
I’ve looked though, and I see no such indication that the song was written under those circumstances. Tammy herself said, “I spent 15 minutes writing the song, and a lifetime defending it.” As a matter of fact, she does a version with the Chipettes where she tells Brittany, “I said stand by your man, not weasel, and only if he stands by you.”
Rather I think the song is a beautiful indication of how if you really love someone you forgive them. Love isn’t standing by for the sunny times and then bailing out because it got hard. Or because suddenly he made a mistake or two. Nobody is perfect. Love is standing proudly at his side when the rest of the world thinks he’s crazy. Love is understanding when he forgets something really important that sometimes accidents happen. Love is forgiving him when he says something stupid without realizing how it would make you feel. Love is taking care of him when he’s drunk again, because no matter how furious you are, right now he needs you. Love is giving him a second chance after you’ve found something you’ve forbidden in the house. Love is letting him know that even if you need space, that you’re not leaving forever, rather than getting revenge by letting him stew in fear (chances are he’ll be miserable enough while you’re gone anyways.)
And just as Tammy Wynette said, “I said stand by your man, not weasel, and only if he stands by you.” There’s no need to stand by someone who won’t stand by you, but there’s a difference between someone who simply made a bad decision, and someone who repeatedly makes bad decisions without any regard as to how his choices affect you.. This song is about the one’s who simply make one bad decision.
I know I personally made a decision a long time ago that Derrick was it for me and no one else would do. For the most part it’s pretty easy to stand by him. He just says and does the most incredibly sweet thoughtful things. I often look at him and wonder how I was lucky enough to find such an incredible person--and even luckier that that person should return my affection. But even Derrick will occasionally make a mistake that makes me go bonkers. It’s then that I remember how much he loves me and that he would never intentionally set out to hurt me. And that makes it easier to forgive him.
So here’s to standing by your love!
“Sometimes its hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have bad timesAnd he'll have good times
Doing things that you don't understand
But if you love him you'll forgive him
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him
Oh be proud of him
'Cause after all he's just a man”
